BaffledExperts by Adam Norman

Don’t compete

with your kids.

Except at video games.

Don’t

get drunk at weddings. You should be remembered for other things.

Hold your liquor

or drink in good company.

You will die

and someone will have to go through your crap.

I don’t care how much your fucking bunyons hurt

Put on a pair of shoes. Polish them first.

Dressing well

It's good to dress well. At some age, men must start tucking their shirts in. At a later age, they should start wearing jackets and ties out.

Good haircuts

are worth the extra money.

Holsters

should hold guns. And only guns.

Some tips

If she's carrying a backpack, she's too young

Athletic clothes are for athletics.

Shave.

Getting older

Old folks go on and on about sall the things they've learned. They're wise, and all that. They're elders. They're teachers. Kids have no respect. We get it.

It's not nonsense, of course--but it's close to it. There is a great deal that the young can teach the old, and as an aging man, with two young children, crossing from youth into middle age and the horrible 35-44 demographic, I wish to write these reminiscences down so that I can look back on the wisdom of youth from the folly of old age.

• Food
• Women
• Sports
• Appearance
• Work
• Cars
• Death
• Love
• Grandchildren
• Children