BaffledExperts by Adam Norman

30: Haigo gatame

Rear mount is the best position of all. As the rules of judo plumb the depths of dark idiocy, though, scratching at the bottom of a deep well of ignorance, this hold gets no points, no advantage, and no recognition. You cannot technically win a fight from this position, even though you could comfortably hold it for so long that your opponent will submit from a broken hip.

There are only a few things to worry about from this position. Your opponent will try to turn out of your hold, squash you, or rotate around in your grip. You need to prevent this by staying right behind him. Keep your chest pressed to his back, and use all four of your limbs to stay stuck to him. Your feet are especially important. Use them offensively, to control your opponent’s hips.

Many submissions are available from this position. The most popular is the hadaka jime, the rear naked choke. It is far from the most successful though; the gis of both fighters make a good strangle hard to get.

Okuri eri jime (sliding collar choke) is one of my favourites, and it works very well from a seatbelt grip. Put your right thumb as deeply inside your opponent’s collar as you can get it. If you can get it up by his ear, you are doing fabulously. With your left hand, grasp his right lapel. You can grab it quite low. Push out and across with your left hand, and pull back and down with your right. Try to choke your opponent with the bone that makes the heel of your thumb, not your thumb itself. Making a kind of pointing motion, like you’re pointing an imaginary gun, will help project that bone.

If you are finding okuri eri jime hard to finish, release your left hand. Quickly put your left upper arm along the right cheek of your opponent, and push out with your left arm while you pull with your right hand. This choke works best if your opponent is face down, because the ground prevents him from turning to escape. The choke is so quick and so unpleasant though, that almost everyone forgets what to do, so it usually works.

Finally, if you’ve made it this far, I feel like I should let you leave with a special treat: the most god-awful thing you can do in a dojo. This is the most unpleasant choke that we know. And it is a choke; it closes the windpipe, not the arteries. Technically, it is a variant of hadaka jime (rear naked), but it is so different, and so awful, that I feel it deserves its own name. Hence, I christen it here: kurushimi naraku jime. This translates as "suffering hell choke", but it also sounds like "crush-u-my necku" choke, a translation I quite like.

To make a lifelong enemy, slide your right hand palm down under your opponent’s chin. Reach over his left shoulder with your left hand, palm up. Clasp your hands together. Now squeeze the bone of your right wrist into your adversary’s windpipe. This will hurt like hell, and he’ll start instinctively gasping and moving his head back. Prevent this by putting your forehead under the little knob at the base of his spine, and expect him to panic for the few seconds of consciousness he has left.

I have never once been able to finish this choke; my conscience always forbids me. Nobody lasts more than a fraction of a second under it. It is as close as we have to a touch of death. It is nothing short of excruciating.